Tuesday's weigh in day

I had a 2 pound loss this week.  I was hoping for more, but remembered taking Layla to see Tangled and eating a LARGE popcorn with lots of butter and salt.  So, considering that I did pretty well.  That brings my total loss to 26.2 pounds and a weight of 197.8.

With this program every week you can look back and see maybe where needs work or how steady you were with exercise and staying within caloric boundaries.

This graph shows on the left how many pounds lost each week.  In the middle shows how far "off" I am according to my 2 pound per week goal.  Then on the right shows my 2 pound goal.  I am about 3 pounds behind what I set my goal at.  I hope to make that up with a pound here and a few ounces there.  I want that line to continue downward.  It will automatically give me the projected date I will hit my goal. 
Incidentally... the goal I set will also be adjusted.  My ultimate goal is according to standard guidelines for my age and height and that is 146.

This is the finalized view of yesterdays results.  The armband continues to track calories burned even while sleeping... yes you burn calories as you sleep.  You can compare this to what I posted yesterday and see the difference.  Yesterday I kept getting interrupted while I was exercising... so it shows each time I would start and stop... but ultimately I reached an hour.

I don't have the pressure of losing weight by a certain date now, or getting my BMI to a specific number.  I am not letting myself off the hook.  I am not sure if this is 100% for me or maybe partly to go back to my pulmonologist in March (he was the one who told me "I could hate him for telling me I need to lose weight") and be much lighter just to show him I am listening, and I do try and take care of myself.

Bill tells me he is proud of me for being so self motivated.  I know he is surprised.  Heck, I am surprised at myself.  The fact I quit smoking cold turkey astonishes me.  Now to be motivated to exercise every day for an hour is HUGE for me.  Diet is one thing, but exercise is something I never did. 

It is ridiculous that it takes me so long to get to an hour per day.  Sometimes 10 minutes at a time, sometimes less than that.  I do what my heart rate and breathing allow me to do.  I am pushing myself and I think that is fine and good as long as I know my boundaries.  I don't get so out of breath that I am gasping, I don't let my pulse get to the place where your head pounds to each beat of your heart and your vision gets fuzzy.  LoL  Most healthy people would say... are you crazy?  No... that is what happens if I go too far or exercise too quickly.

So, I will be perfectly happy saying I exercise an hour a day.  Even if it takes me all day to do it.  

Staying on track



This was day 6 in a row of exercising an hour a day.




My food consumption.  I fried chicken breasts on top of the stove with olive oil, hence the fat grams.  I was happy this week with my sodium intake though.



Brittney bought a treadmill with all the bells and whistles.  I went over today and walked for 20 minutes, thinking it would be a good cardio.  It didn't even register on my chart.  So, I came home and got my hour in in 3 increments on the mini trampoline.



I will once more be very curious at tomorrow's weigh in.  Since I have exercised an hour every day since last Tuesday, I am wondering how big of effect it will have.  One hour on the bicycle didn't do the cardio that this little trampoline seems to.  

I feel better.  It's odd, I seem to have more stamina for projects.  But I have just been exhausted this week.  I could sleep until 9 or 10.  I never have done that before.  I always have been up with the sunrise.  Of course I am wondering how much of me getting up early was to do the coffee and cigarette thing?  I am finding a few areas in life that I question .... did I enjoy this only because I could smoke while doing it?  I can't think of them now of course, but I remember thinking to myself... I don't enjoy this like I used to, or what was so special about this?  The common denominator seems to be smoking.  I am so glad I don't have that habit hanging over me anymore.

I realized that I haven't had but 1 cold/flu since I quit smoking.  And, with the doctors quick response with antibiotics and steroids that didn't last long.  I am really careful now at grocery stores to use their disinfectant wipes or wash my hands all the time so I won't get germs.  When I am at the doctors office I sit as far away from anyone else as I can.  I am just more aware of germs and where they are concentrated. 
Layla has been more healthy too.  I told Britt that because of the danger if I get sick, if Layla has something we can't be around her.  I think just once has she had to stay home for a week or so. 
Maybe we all are getting more conscience of it.

It's funny, but along with this disease I am getting healthier and more fit than when I didn't know I had it.  I find it difficult not to do the "I wish I would have" game. 
You know the one... I wish I would have quit smoking years ago, or better yet... never started.  I wish I would have taken better care of my body when I was younger.  I wish, I wish, I wish. 
I can't go back and change things, but I can be kinder to myself now. 

People who have copd need to have a healthy diet.  They need to drink lots of water to remain hydrated, and flush toxins out of our bodies.  We need to avoid salt.  It is a lung killer.  We need to eat colorful food.  Deep green and red veggies and fruit.  Really anything of color is packed full of vitamins and nutrients that we need.
All things pale and white usually are more harmful to us. 

Before I was diagnosed we ate mostly red meat and starchy veggies and butter and gravy.  No wonder my weight sky rocketed huh?  lol
I salted everything, craved salty chips and crackers.  Ate tons of dense cheese.  I love cheese, all kinds, but it really is not the best for me.

Now we eat only Chicken and Turkey and some pork.  I am not a big sea food eater so once in a while I will cook fish just for Bill.  I drink skim milk.  I never in my life would have thought I would do that!  I don't salt my food or use very little salt in cooking.  I eat veggies all day and lots with my dinner. 
I gave up bread.  Once maybe a month I will use bread to have a sandwich.  Mostly I will use corn tortilla's.  Just more healthy.  I am doing my best to stay away from white flour.  Even our pasta now is wheat or whole grain.
I am cooking couscous and orzo instead of rice.  It has less starch.

I would like to say it makes my skin glow and my hair healthy.  But that isn't the case.  My digestive system is so out of whack.  I am taking laxatives every day with little success.  I know these things I have done for me are healthy.  I just have also added so many medications that I need to work out a balance.  With time I suppose.

A new year ... A new blog ... a new direction

I have absorbed the idea of no surgery and have come to the conclusion that my life will just take a different path. 

I do intend on talking to my Pulmonologist and asking him WHY he told me it was time to select a transplant hospital?  Why he then told me I would need LVRS instead?  Since October or November (heck it might have even been in August or September) I have been preparing myself for a lung surgery of some sort.  So, it's like I have to come up with a new plan now.  I have to tell you I am a little irritated with him for making me stress the last months, making my family think at any minute I may be called to Seattle.  It is a big deal to me.

Since it's the new year, I am going to set new goals for myself.  I "remodeled" my blog to suit me.  It will no longer be about a transplant or a surgical procedure.  It will be about me doing my best to improve my body and soul.  I have some healing to do.  I have been in this very dark place the last months.  I have pushed Bill away.  I have spent nights writing and re-writing my will.  I have focused on the end of my life instead of a new beginning.

It is a new beginning.  I will still be the Copd patient.  I will still have diseased lungs.  I can still count on having more doctors appointments than most, and taking more drugs than most, lugging around an oxygen canister like others don't.  But, I can make things easier.

I can concentrate on my weight loss and exercising.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would be exercising for an hour a day I would have told you ... you're crazy.  If you would have told me that by this summer I could drop 40 or more pounds, I would think you were crazy.

It is realistic.  I have been pushing myself everyday to get 3 sets of 20 minutes of cardio in.  I am not sure if it is the smartest thing to do to my heart right now, but I am doing it.  I am aware of every bite of food now that goes into my mouth, and I document it. 

I am going to be a woman who wears a cannula around her face.  I am always going to have limitations, but I will no longer be waiting for this big scary thing that is looming in my future. 

I know what each day could be now.  Bad days... no going outside, sleeping much more than I should, getting out of breath just getting dressed, forgetting things, getting dizzy standing up.
Good days... getting out and being part of the movement of our town, being one of many in a store, walking with "my ducks" at the park, laughing with Layla, and loving Bill, planning things with Brittney.

I can take control of my weight.  Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing changes makes me want to continue. 

This is a new start.  I have a different attitude.  I will do my best to not dwell on things.  I will try and see me as a thriving woman, rather than used goods.  I just need to redefine "thriving". 

Instead of seeing the labels ... transplant or LVRS ... you will see labels for exercise, weight loss, and as always blog posts will just be daily life, maybe a few recipes in there too.

I am not being unrealistic.  I know I will have moments of depression, that comes with my disease.  But, I am learning to see the onset and get a grasp of it before it gets too far.  I know I will still have times that the frustration peaks and I strike out.  I do my best not too, but if I am being honest that's how it goes.  Sadly Bill seems to get the biggest part of that. 

I began this blog in February of 2010 and I had intended to just document a year.  But to truly get an accurate picture of this illness you have to see the progression.  That is the insidious part of this... is how it slowly almost without seeing it robs you of your existence.  It leaves most house bound, tied to a machine, unable to walk or even shower themselves without assistance.  I have seen the end of this disease.  I have watched both parents die from it.  It's ugly, it is cruel and it can get ahold of anyone who has damaged their lungs.

So... I will continue on with this blog far past the first year. 

I have high expectations of 2011.  I took about all I could take last year.  This year is my year of acceptance.  It's for me learning to live with copd instead of fighting against it. 

I finally have news

I have been wondering how to write this?  It's not that easy.  I don't even know exactly how I feel about it.  It is the oddest feeling.  Sometimes relieved, sometimes hopeless, and other times just numb.

So... Last night I got the call I had been waiting for.  As soon as the woman told me her name and where she was calling from I swear it was like I was in a tunnel hearing only her words.
It was a call from the University of Washington that I had been waiting for all this time.  Whatever she said would determine my future and how it would be lived.

As it turns out... I will not be having the surgery at this time.  She told me my FEV 1 #'s are too high to qualify for  the surgery.  She told me to continue on with my Pulmonologist and they will be testing me every 6 months. 

This is bittersweet for me.  I was scared to death to have the surgery.  What I read online and those I spoke with had extreme anxiety and discomfort with the surgery and post op.  However, if the results were good there was a chance I could come off of oxygen for maybe years. 
I had been preparing myself for it.  Losing weight as fast as I could, going through all those tests, laying in bed at night wondering if I was going to come out of it... I had talked myself into it.  Set my mind to it.  And now........  Well... Now nothing.  I will go on with my days just like I have been for a year.

I feel like this whole year has been building to this and now I find out I will continue to decline until I get serious enough for them to do the procedure.  I have no idea how long that will be.  It feels odd to just be left to decline.  That is the nature of emphysema/copd though. 

One does not get better.  I can and will however do whatever I can to slow the progression down.  Losing weight is helping to make breathing easier... not better, just easier to get air in.  Does that make sense?
The slimmer I get I think the easier it will get also.  I am exercising which will help my lung function.  It doesn't matter to me that I exercise with a cannula on.  I had hopes of getting rid of it.... but that is just not to be.

It's really odd to finally after all these years be smoke free, be exercising, losing weight & taking better care of myself ... only to continue on a downhill slide.

Please don't judge me badly for being so dramatic.  I will see the positive in this.  Already I am telling myself look... this is what you have to work with and you can only do what you can do.  I am putting all my effort into taking life day by day.  I am trying to have no expectations beyond tomorrow.  All I can do is take it one day at a time. 


(This will be my last post with the label LVRS)

A look at my program


Here is a look at this program I am following.  
This is just one day.. yesterday ... and it tracks everything for you.  My favorite part of it is being able to plug in my armband at any time and find out what my caloric deficit is.  It tells me to stop eating, or to exercise more, or that I am right on track each day.  So, truly if I don't make my 2 pound goal each week it is 100% due to my own sabotage.

This shows my deficit and below the graph shows how many calories burned during a period of time.  (this is not a normal day for me as far as intake goes.  I try and keep it around 900, and my deficit at 1000.



With each meal I get online and add my foods eaten.  The program holds food eaten a lot into memory, some I have to add the recipe or nutrition information off the package.  The pie chart shows me how balanced my meals are



The graph below shows my exercise ... The intensity and the length each time throughout the day.  I am trying to build up to 1 hour. 





Once a week (after my Weight Watchers weigh in) I come here and update my weight.  then every 2 or 3 weeks I take measurements.  I like seeing the measurements... it shows me areas to concentrate on.




With every plus is a minus.  LoL  This shows me how on track I am with my goal.  I am currently 4.24 pounds off track.   



A loss is a loss is a loss!  I repeat that over and over again.  Today my loss was .8 bringing my total weight loss to 24.2 pounds and a weight of 199.8 .

I broke the 200 mark.  I hope I never see it again.  Good riddance

I have been working out with one of those mini trampolines.  I "walk" on it, trying not to bounce just use it for momentum and resistance.  I also have just started using 2 pound hand weights while "walking".  I know that it's working.  My legs and butt are getting more toned.  I am not even thinking I am toned, so don't get me wrong.  What was a handful is now less, my clothes are getting bigger and my ARMS (so happy about this) do not have quite the lose chicken wings they had a few months ago.  As you can see from the pictures up there, I only exercise for 10 minutes at a time.  This however is all I can do at once.  If I can do 6 sets of 10 minutes per day then I will work on maybe 4 sets of 15 and so on.

I am disappointed in losing less than 2 pounds a week.  But it is my "emotional eating" that is getting in the way.  The only difference between now and last year is that when I eat to soothe my emotions or depression I eat healthier and realize as I am chewing what I am doing.   And, the one thing that saves me is I don't keep junk on hand anymore.  If Bill has something I ask him to keep it to himself and out of my sight.

It's something I need to work on.  Eating because I am upset or bored or depressed will only make things worse.  Finding healthier ways to deal with life will be a wonderful achievement if I can ever truly get there.

Yesterday I made some really good Chili.  It is my own recipe.  I'll post it here.  I plugged it into the recipe portion and it gave me the caloric total which is 124 per cup. 

Kellie's White Chili

2 Tblsp. olive oil

2 lb chicken breasts, cubed

1/2 cup onions, chopped

2 cups chicken broth (fat free, low sodium)

2 4ounce cans chopped green chilies

2 tsp. garlic powder

2 tsp. cumin

1 tsp. oregano

1 tsp. cayenne pepper

2 cans white kidney beans (cannelloni) undrained

2 cups fat free sour cream

Heat olive oil in saucepan; add chicken and cook for about 5 minutes, stirring often.

Remove chicken.  Add onion and cook about 2 minutes. 

Stir in chicken broth, chilies and spices and let simmer 30 minutes. 

Stir in chicken and beans; simmer 10 minutes. 

Stir in sour cream; heat through and serve. 

Can serve with chopped cilantro and tortilla chips

makes about 10 cups

124 calories per cup (not including chips and cilantro)

Bill says this should come with a warning.  LoL  It is HOT, but one of those hot things that only really hurts once you stop eating it. 

If you don't like heat... leave out the cayenne pepper

My depression has reared it's ugly head again.  It's not so out of hand as before, but I have that urge to run from issues, to sleep life away and to avoid anyone.  It's difficult because Britt's boyfriends mom and I have become friends and she would really like to do things with me, and I would rather lock myself up and not have to put on a happy front for people.  I can do it rather well, but once in a while I crack and if someone were to bring up a touchy subject I have been known to  tear up... which is so embarrassing! 

My emotions are so close to the surface these days, I find it easier just to stay at home around family who knows I am a crybaby.  It's really odd, but when I have the most problems are when people are kind to me and ask things like... "How are you feeling?" or look at me with their head turned sideways and say "are you O.K.?"  I want so badly to tell them I am living.  I am breathing, and as far as I know my heart is still thumping.  That is a good day for me.  I know they mean well, but I can see that "look" in their eyes.  It's the same look that my family had the first couple times they saw me with a cannula on or struggling for air after just talking or telling a story.  I don't do well with compliments or sympathy, I never knew or learned how to react to it.

It is coming up on a year that I have been writing this.  I think it started around the 5th of February.  It will be interesting to go back and do some reading and comparing. 

I almost made it

Today it reached 23 for our high temperature.  We had fog all day and it froze on all the trees and fences.  It was beautiful, but I knew as soon as I stepped out the door I wouldn't be able to spend much time outside.  Along with the fog hanging in the air was also smoke from wood stoves burning. 

I went to weigh in this morning.  Yesterday I was worried about gaining weight.  Today I feel pretty good about my week.  It goes to show you the importance of exercise.  I lost 2 pounds.  Bringing my total weight loss to date to 23.4 pounds and that is more than my 10% goal. 
So, it took since August to now to lose 23 pounds, that's about 4 months.  I know I can do better.  I think with this bodybugg I can about 8 pounds a month.  We'll see won't we?  LoL

I had to make a new goal... so why not another 20 lbs.  That will put me below my goal for surgery.  I have 14 pounds to go for that.  My weight right today is 200.2 pounds.  Do you think I could get under the 200 mark ... NO!!  LoL  Next week I will. 

I can't believe I ever got that big anyway!   Yes, I had back surgery, and yes I have Copd... but if I can get up and move around now... I sure could have done it then.  Unless... continuing to smoke made me so breathless I really didn't do anything extra, just sit around and smoke and eat.  How glamorous!  LOL

Losing weight today was the positive push I needed to get back on track after the holidays.  Maybe it wasn't just the holidays... honestly I think depression has a lot to do with being successful at any thing you are attempting.  If I don't feel good about myself, I tend to sabotage myself. 

I talk a lot about not hearing about this lung volume reduction surgery and I am getting impatient.  Well ... I still would like to hear from Seattle, but I have to be honest and say ... I am scared. 

The Copd site and Transplant site I belong to on FaceBook have lost 2 people since Christmas.  It just makes me realize that this is not a minimally evasive surgery.  This is about as major as it gets.  If those lungs don't work or leak after surgery... or if infection is introduced... it's pretty much over and done with at that point. 

Each time I hear of another Copder that I know passing away or being hospitalized and put on the ventilator it sends a chill down my spine. 
Families of people with the Severe end of this disease must realize that really we are living on borrowed time.  Yes, we can do all we can to remain healthy, we can exercise and lose weight to be kinder to our lungs.... but one lung collapse, or serious infection and we are in big trouble. 

Breathing is necessary for life.  And, if that is halted so is life.  It's that simple.
I have researched U of W's transplant center and they have a very good track record.  I have gotten a good recommendation from my cousin who is a Nurse in the transplant unit there and he sees first hand and he tells me he would send his children there.  My pulmonologist tells me he has full faith in this hospital.  So, I leave it up to the doctors.  They will be able to tell from my tests if it is too soon to start operating, or if it's time. 
The last 5 years of smoking pretty much put this out of my hands.  I have a feeling had I quit 5 or 10 years ago... Yes, I probably would still have emphysema, but I am sure it would be in the early stages now instead of near the end.  Darned cigarettes.

Tomorrow another Weigh in

Tomorrow again is weigh in.  It seems I live my life these days focused on Tuesday mornings and getting on the scale.  It will be another week I am unsure about.  I have been diligent at exercise, but have eaten poorly late at night. 

I have had chest pain and problems sleeping, so I get bored and turn on the T.V. then want to eat something salty... which is usually loaded with calories.  I have tried throughout this "eating healthy" period I am in to let Bill keep whatever food he wants in the house.  A few things like chocolate I ask him to hide from me.  But ... chips, cheese, hot dogs... junk food is all around me.  I just decided months ago I wasn't going to partake any more. 
Looks like I am doing just that though. 

I need to quit playing around and now that the holidays are over... I need to get serious and get back on the right track.  I can't even remember the last full day I drank water.  That's bad when you're trying to flush bad things from your system!

I bought one of those mini trampolines today.  It is a work out.  I thought they were kind of a joke...but I was breathless in less than 5 minutes!  It will be a GREAT cardio for me.  I can use it 5 or 10 minutes a time and burn those calories. 

Britt came over and measured me again today.  It had been over a month.  I lost (averaged) nearly 3 inches in 6 weeks.  That's not so bad.  I still have so far to go, but this is a good beginning, and seeing small goals met makes me want to keep going.
I knew I was losing inches because even my bra's are fitting differently.  I really don't want to buy clothes until Spring.  I figure until then I can roll the waistbands over on my jeans and wear big baggy sweaters and no one will really notice.  Once the weather warms up and the coats come off, then I'll get new clothes.  I am down 2 pants sizes now... buy then who knows??

I am thinking if I were to hear anything about my stress test it will be this week.  Possibly next week.  I know it takes everyone some time after the holidays to get back in the swing of things.  If I don't hear I have a Dr. appointment later in the month and I will hear then.  The way I look at it, if I don't hear... then it's good news and no need to rush into another treatment or medication. 

Who knows maybe 2011 really will be a better year for me.  It's so early to assume that.  I feel like I may jinx myself. 

Final day of Stress Tests for my heart

I had my 2nd and final day of my nuclear stress test.  Day one... go in and they inject a radioactive dye into my arm, take an EKG and send me out to the lobby for an hour with 2 glasses of water to drink. 
After an hour they ask me to remove my bra and put me through a kind of CT scan.  They tell me that the water moves the dye throughout my body but the heart holds it there, the rest is "flushed out".  Then they send me home, telling me no coffee, no tea, no hot chocolate, no Pepsi or coke... nothing of color, only clear fluids.

Of course when someone tells you that you can't have something that is all you can think about!! 
This morning I was to be up there at 8:30 to finish the test.  Of course I didn't sleep all night so when I finally got to sleep the alarm went off, then to have no coffee... I wasn't sure if I could even dress myself without caffeine!

They again take me back only this time to a room with a bed and a treadmill... sounds like a blast huh?!!  LoL
They start an I.V. of something (I forgot what she told me), then they hook up EKG tags all over me, then have me lay still for 10 minutes to get a resting heart rate.
After I am good and rested they get me up and call in the radioactive guys again.  They put me on the treadmill and start it up.  Every 2 minutes they increase the slant and eventually I am at the max uphill slope. 

About half way through the radioactive guy puts the dye into my I.V..  Once I reach the max uphill and my heart rate reaches it's peak, they tell me to continue for 5 minutes.  I get to the point where my legs feel like lead, my heart feels like it is pounding out my eyeballs, and I am gasping for air.  At this point they finish.  They sit me on the bed again and hand me water.  My hand is shaking so bad I spill the first cup and so smartly they wait a minute then get me more.  One woman removes most of the EKG tag thingys, but leaves 3 on... one under each breast and one on the center of my chest.

After my first cup of water, they hand me another and take me again back out to the lobby for an hour.  Then the radioactive man comes out and takes me back to the room with the CT scan.  He again asks me to remove my bra and shirt (my shirt had metal studs on it duh! ) and hands me a gown.  After I get the gown on and tied I go into the CT thingy room.  He tells me he hates asking this question but the Cardiologist needs this information to do some sort of measuring.  I can tell the tech (radioactive guy) is embarrassed... and he asks... What size bra do you wear?  I tell him. Then he tells me to lay down on the CT scan machine thing and he puts more dye into the I.V., then tells me for this test he needs to hook up 3 electrodes.  He reaches under the gown and then stops... I can tell he is uncomfortable... so I said.." do you want me to lift those for you?".  He just laughs and says please... I think he wanted to run out of the room.  I thought I was funny!  LoL

So, the scan does it's job, he comes in and removes the leads but leaves the sticky tags there, removes the I.V. and tells me I am through.  I get dressed and go home as tired as I have been in a long time.  I felt as though I ran a marathon.

I got home at about 11:00 and at 2:30 we had Brittney and Fernando and his mom Maria, and Layla over for an early New Years dinner.  Bill cooked prime rib, I made a quiche and fritters, and we had a green salad and garlic bread.  It was really nice. 
I had just not thought about having this test today when we planned this dinner. 
The reason for it today was, tomorrow night is New Years Eve.  And, even though we have no plans other than setting the alarm clock for midnight and wishing each other happy new year and going back to bed... Brittney and Fernando celebrate like young people should.  They are having friends over to their house to bring in the New Year, instead of having people out driving on the roads.  Smart Kids!!
So... we figured having a New Years Day dinner would be bad, because if they are anything like we used to be they will probably be hung over.
We are having Layla spend the night.  Britt is bringing over some sparkling cider for her to toast with me. 

So... Have I told you how much I want this year to be over?!!  LoL  I am so looking forward to a new year.  My goals each year get much more focused.
If I am not on here tomorrow... Happy New Years my friends.  I only know you from behind a computer screen, but you have seen me through some very tough times and I will forever be grateful! 

Weigh In Day

Today was my Weight Watchers weigh in.  I was not thrilled to go to this one.  I over indulged a few days before during and after Christmas.  Britt went with me and stayed for the meeting this time.  (she usually leaves after weigh in)

Brittney met her goal... she has lost 18.4 pounds and is now the size of a pencil.  LoL  Notice a little pissy-ness there?  She looks awesome and I am very proud of her. 
I was sure I would gain weight.  I told Bill before I left the house that I think about +2 pounds.  Ta-Dah......  I remained exactly the same as the weigh in last week.  I made it through Christmas without damaging my progress.  Whew!!  I am sure the reason was me being more active.  I find this Bodybugg thing very helpful.... I knew that the 24th through the 26th I over ate and bad things.... With this Bodybugg I could burn extra calories to make up for it, and keep checking on my burn progress. 
I have been sedentary for so long that the smallest exertion and I burn calories. 
Vacuuming and going up and down stairs seem to be the biggest helper.  My doctor tells me this is my lungs overworking and that is why I burn greater calories with little exertion.  That is why many people with severe and end stage emphysema get so thin.  They just burn more calories than they take in because they struggle so with each breath.  Bless their hearts!!  Isn't that hard to believe, that breathing is so difficult that it actually burns calories.  Welcome to a window inside Copd/Emphysema. 

Anyway, I was very surprised but pleased that I didn't pick up any weight.  Now it's back to watching food intake.  Bill wants to have a New Years Eve, Eve dinner (on the 30th instead of the 31st), but I had forgotten that I have those tests tomorrow and the next day.  I spoke with a woman who works at the hospital and she said they are pretty draining, about 4 hours each for 2 days.  I am not sure I will want to come home and help cook, or even smile at a house full of people.  We'll figure something out.

I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday and finished cleaning and moving furniture today.  The house always looks so empty after Christmas, I kind of like the clean uncluttered look, but empty none-the-less.  It's actually probably still cluttered by everyone elses standards... I have so much crap!

So, today we had the beginning of our storms come in.  It started out as rain, then by around noon turned to slushy-snow, then tonight it's snowing sideways.  It will result in bad road conditions and with the weight of the snow I wouldn't be surprised if phone and power lines come down.  Anyway... I ventured out around 1:00 in the slushy-snow to go to the dry cleaners to drop off my bedspread and Bill's Santa suit.  I am beginning to notice when the barometer drops.  The low pressure makes it very hard to breath.  It just makes everything seem very heavy.  On top of that everyone in town is using fireplaces, or wood stoves and the inversion layer is TERRIBLE.  We live in a basin surrounded by mountains and the air gets stagnant.  When burning starts the smoke settles in the basin and it's worse air quality than Los Angeles.  I came home and put on my jammies and decided I wasn't going out anymore.  My lungs have been burning a lot lately, and more so after I have an outing.  I am sure part of it is the air.  I am not sure what I can do to get around that other than not going out... and that time will come soon enough.  For now, when I can.... I am going and doing all I can.

I heard this song on the radio this afternoon.  I had never heard it, but especially these days ... it could be written for me.

I'll let you know how the stress tests go....... enjoy the song. :)

Christmas and New Years Wishes

Today is December 26th and I am tired.  Layla is spending the night tonight and I can tell I need a few days off.  I have a short fuse, and she really is a good girl and doesn't need a Grandma around that gets pissy for no reason.  I try so hard.  I gave myself a time out tonight and went into the bedroom and watched T.V. alone for about 20 minutes. 

I am not sure if it is this illness, or medication or menopause ... or all three, that makes me anxious, intolerable of noise or over stimulation.  I just feel like I will have an anxiety attack if I don't get away.  I am like that with arguments or fights too.  I just can't take it.  Maybe it's blood pressure?  I dunno.

Wednesday and Thursday of this week I go to the hospital (not checked in, just there) for my nuclear stress tests.  I have no idea what they entail?  I know a treadmill and IV's are part of it.  Sounds like a party!!  LOL

I hope it will tell the Dr.'s what the problem is with my heart.  My pulse is just getting out of hand.  I take it now at least twice a day at different times each day to try and get an idea of an average.
The doctor finds this very interesting.  LOL  It has only been below 100 a handful of times and those times are always when I first wake up, or if I have been sitting for quite some time.  It usually stays around 105 until I do ANY cardio, or actually even walking around the house ... then it climbs to 130+.  The Dr. told me to not let it get above 150 for extended periods unless I am sweating working out, which hardly ever happens.

I can ride the bike 9 miles and not break a sweat, then come home and vacuum and sweat. 

So... the Christmas pictures... I was going to re-do the ones with me in them, or a few of them... because I didn't color my hair and should not have worn that red turtle neck... bad choices.  But... the hair is me now... mostly gray.  I am wondering if I should just go get it striped with fine lines of gray to make the natural gray taking over look better? 
It is so dark and my gray is very silver so the contrast is a lot.  Bill says no... he says that I am not even 50 yet so keep coloring it to make me feel better.  Really, my self esteem is low so I am not sure what a little color would do?   Most the time my hair is down, but today I was playing with new facial stuff I got for Christmas when Layla arrived, so my hair was pulled up and in a ponytail.
She asked me when I got gray?  lol  Bless the child's heart... I just told her I always was she just didn't notice.  Then she said that it was because I was sick.  Probably... this year was a tad stressful.  Have I told you I will be glad to get rid of 2010 and move onto 2011.  Maybe I shouldn't be in such a hurry huh?

I joked with Bill and Brittney that I must be sicker than the doctors are telling me and maybe they heard something I didn't because I got very nice things for Christmas... they didn't think I was funny.

I have beginning to struggle with depression again.  It began before Christmas.  I am aware of it, and am doing my best not to dwell on things and I am trying to let family issues go.  Not so easy.
My step parents and my step sister are being not so nice to me or my brothers.  My brothers aren't aware of most of it, for some reason I can't not think about them or how they are disrespecting my mom and dad.  I know none of this makes sense to anyone reading this... there is so much history I won't go into... it just is painful.

I have also been not following my eating program or exercising for a week.  I know this weigh in at Weight Watchers will show a gain.  I must get control of myself and get back on track.  One week won't kill me, it will just set back my progress.

I have goals for the coming year.  I still have no idea about surgery.  So I am planning things...
-I want to take Layla and Britt to Disneyland over their Spring Break.  Our best friend and his wife live in Long Beach, Bill and he were firemen together, and I miss them.  I want to take about a week and a half and just RELAX... not think about being sick... or testing... or medication adjustments... or anything and just RELAX!
- I want desperately for Bill and I to get away even if for the weekend and go to the Coast and just be still together.  We need that. 
- I need to finish my will... hopefully before the surgery.  I want everything to go to Brittney and I am afraid that if I don't get it written legally, Brittney will go through what I did with her step sisters and Bill.  I hope Bill would be fair.  But I tell you strange things happen to people when someone they love dies.  Bill's girls never really liked me and never came to see us or sent cards or anything... once in a while a call but that's about it.  I have repeatedly told Britt I will leave it up to her to hand out my things as SHE sees fit.  She knows what will be special to her and what she can part with.  And, I tell you..... When my mom died all her things became the world to me.  Not because value... because quite frankly there wasn't that much of value... but they were hers.  She loved them and they made her feel good to have them around, so I wanted them.  Sadly, they went mostly elsewhere.
- LOL  To not let outside influences bother me so much.  Such as things I have no control over; ie... Ex parents and step sisters and family break ups.  These things torment me and I need to find a way to put it all in my past.
- To continue with my exercise and eating healthy and losing weight.  I have my goal set at 150.  I am hoping 2011 will be the year I do this for myself. 
---- I would say ..... "To take better care of myself", but oddly enough once I got diagnosed with a incurable disease I started taking the best care of myself I ever have.  Funny how illness makes you stand up and pay attention!  Ridiculous!

Brittney (my lovely thoughtful daughter) bought me 2 books and wrote a note to me about HOPE.  The books are ... Eat, Pray, Love ... and ... BLINK (the power of thinking without thinking).  It touched me that she is worried about my ability to have hope.  It also worried me a bit.  LOL  I don't want, and have tried so hard to not let this process and disease be a burden to her.  She wants to go to Dr. visits with me.  She is now wanting to switch majors and go into Respiratory Medicine. 
I think this has touched her more than I thought.

It's hard to want to protect her, and to have her not worry about me, and then have her hear all the Dr.'s words.  She is a young woman who has drive and determination and who used to see that in her mom.  Anymore, she takes the lead in situations that I used to take care of.

An example of my struggle with memory and thought process.  For Christmas I got an IPOD.  I asked Brittney to come over and show me how to upload music, set playlists etc... she said "Mom, I can't believe you need help with this.  What has happened to you?  You used to be so tech savy?"!!
It took me by surprise, but so many parts of my life are like that now.  Areas that I once felt comfortable and competent, now... I am scared and unsure.  It worries me actually. 
It seems to have come on quickly, and is continually getting worse.  My memory issues now have Bill standing up and taking notice and commenting his concern on. 
All these things put together just make me feel fearful and unsure. 

There are moments that I can almost feel what it is like for an Alzheimer's patient or an elderly person suffering from dementia.  It's like I know something that is right there within reach, then it goes and I can't recall it.  Things such as the computer I used to be so familiar with, now I forget or am so unsure.  
Sometimes going out by myself worries me.  Such as when I ran out of oxygen at the store last week or the week before?  I knew that if I walked all the way out to the car to exchange bottles then I would have to walk all the way back to where ever I would leave my full cart... it was just a reminder that I am not the self sufficient woman I was not long ago.
It is a reminder of what I have actually lost this year!
It makes me scared to imagine what I could lose this coming year?

Weigh in

I had my Weight Watchers weigh in this morning.  I was so sure this would be a 3 pound week.  I didn't count on what an impact going out Saturday night with Britt and Fernando had.  I ate deep fried Veggies and Pizza and had 1 beer. 
Then I worked out like crazy the last 2 days.  Well... crazy for me.  lol

I lost .9 pounds.  Not quite a pound.  Grrr  It's not a gain, and considering my deep fat experience I suppose that is pretty good.  Now with Christmas dinner and Prime Rib coming up in a couple days... I am hoping for another loss next week.  Only this time... I'll take .9 or . anything. 

That brings my weight to 21.9 pounds.

I am still having bowel issues.  And, I am still taking laxatives at least twice a week.  My primary care doctor told me not to worry about taking them, that they won't be a problem.  I don't know if it's my diet that is doing this to me, or medication or what?  I know with the amount of fiber and vegetables I am eating I should have no problems.

As for my Copd ... it is unchanged.  I seem to be having more breathing issues than normal, and more burning in my lungs.  I am leery to complain because I know how much worse it can get.  I am being careful when to go out and when to stay in.  Some days I have ventured out with the inversion layer and even Bill will comment on my breathing.  I know I wake up in the night still with a pain in my chest. 
The cardio stress test is coming up the 29th and 30th, I'll let you know when I find out something.  Which waiting for test results seems to take forever.

I am wondering how Seattle feels about my test results.  I know it's Christmas and then New Years ... so the best I can hope for is probably hearing sometime after the 15th of January.  Patience!

About my last blog and the "used and damaged goods".  Well, yes... I am damaged, and yes... I do feel like I am used up.  But, I am still me.  I do still have my sense of humor (most days), and I do still have the ability to get around, go shopping, drive myself.... This is a lot more than some people, so I'll take it.  It doesn't mean that I can't feel a little jealous of those woman my age who can wear make up and not worry about the cannula smearing or wearing it off, who can wear a necklace and not have it get caught up in the cannula, who can look their age, and not see the "awe" looks when people see you with oxygen. 

Used goods

With Britt's help, we got all the Christmas baking done and all but 2 shipped and given away.  Whew!  Glad to get those cookies out of site.  Well, Bill kept his bag of cookies and it's in the cupboard.  I still haven't eaten any... but have been temped.  I am keeping the goal in mind. 

If I can stay on track... this week should be a 3 or 4 pound loss on Tuesday.  I have really been watchful and have not allowed myself to indulge late nights.  There have been 2 nights that I felt like I couldn't live without something before I went to bed.  One night I ate 4 ounces of lean turkey breast, and the other night I ate an apple.  See, I can survive without bowls of cereal, or peanut butter sandwiches.  Who knew?  LoL

I think I have mentioned my newly found absent-mindedness?  To the point of worry almost.  Honestly, I can in the smallest way identify with the elderly.  I make appointments and forget them.  I put things away and can't find them.  I pay things and forget I did.  The latest is... every Christmas Eve I buy everyone Christmas jammies and they open them on Christmas Eve then we all have them on opening presents the next morning.  Well, this year I bought Layla's along with a book that I read (record) for her and put both in my dresser.  I know where they are, still right where I put them.  However... I wrapped Bill and Britt's along with all of our other presents and put them under the tree.  This morning Bill came out only to find me ass up and head under the tree.  I can't remember which presents are the jammies.  So... Off to the store I went to buy new ones.  So, they will just get 2 pair of jammies this year.  LOL
It is frustrating.  I joke about it, but it really is frustrating.  Bill and I even argue over me forgetting something important, or forgetting that I said something, or missed appointments.  It just is not like me.  I have always been the one to be on time, to be organized, and to keep everyone else on track.  Not so anymore.

The last 3 days I have went one place or the other, but each time I have run out of oxygen and had my lungs burn before I got back home.  The headaches I used to get are back again, and I know it's from lack of oxygen.  To be in the middle of a store and know my oxygen is out, but also know that in order to get a new bottle I will have to walk all the way out there... do the exchange then walk all the way back into the store.  So, I just go without until I am done shopping.  This may be the time to realize that it would be easier if I didn't go by myself. 

I am tired of being a bother to someone else because I want to do something.... or because I can't do something.  Bill and I got in a small but memorable argument yesterday, like all couples do.  However, he said something about "waiting on me hand and foot".... which is B.S... .but the fact he mentioned it tells me he is getting tired of this... and it is just beginning.  We have a long downhill road ahead of us.  I know on his part it must be frustrating.  And, O.K.!!!!  I'll give him credit for needing to vent also.  But, it just makes me feel like I am a burden.  I am a burden now, and my future means it will get worse.  What are my options?  Leave?  Get an apartment on my own?  He wouldn't go for that.  He would say I am being dramatic. 

Here I am doing much more than I had been.  I actually once a week or so will go downstairs and do laundry and pack it back up the stairs.  It may sound small, but to me it's like running a marathon.  I am losing weight so I have more energy.  I am keeping myself motivated by riding a bike 9 miles at least 4 times a week. I am doing all I can to better myself.  I just am such a baby, it's hard for me to hear things like that. 

This is the ugly part of this disease.  Losing freedom.  Not only that but being questioned about everything because my memory is getting bad.  I hate this.  I ran my own company, ran work crews and had 150 rentals to look after... and now I can't be trusted to go to the store, or take a phone message. 
How does one cope with this?  How do I accept the fact that without my intending to I am irritating Bill enough so he finds it necessary to complain about taking care of me?? 

It really does bring out the flight part of me.  In my thinking, I don't want to be a burden to ANYONE.  Yes, my family loves me and is willing to care for me.  But I will not be someones anchor.  I refuse to be looked at like work. 

It's these moments I feel like used and damaged goods.

Another Weigh In

I have been riding the bike at Britt's and am up to 9 miles in an hour.  Sunday I rode 60 minutes on the nose and rode 9.6 miles and I increased the tension.  My legs burn in the beginning and then again at about 45 minutes until I am through, so I know muscles are working.  I have found that just walking around burns more calories than riding.  Odd huh?  Even house cleaning and vacuuming and doing laundry (up and down stairs) burns more calories than when I ride the bike for an hour.  Walking through the stores too.  I still ride the bike when I am not going to be in their way, only because I know it's helping my legs tone up. 

I can tell I dropped at least a pants size because yesterday while I was baking, standing in the kitchen ... evidently my pants were baggy so Bill just pulled them down to my knees.  Felt stupid standing there in my undies!!!  MEN LoL

Weight Watchers has redone their program.  I still pay every week to go weigh in, but I am not following their diet.  I am doing the basic no frills, calories in and calories burned.  And, for every 3500 calories burned over and above what is taken in is a one pound loss.  Today at weigh in I lost 2.2 pounds, bringing my total since joining WW to 21 pounds.  According to my doctor it is more than that, but I am going by just what I have been keeping track of.  So... I  now weigh 203.2 pounds.  I am hoping to drop below that 200 mark this week.  From their it's all down hill for me.  I am focused to reach 186 pounds.  That will be my first hurdle to be eligible for my LVRS.  My goal weight is 150 pounds.  My BodyBugg projected that if I keep up 2 pounds a week I will reach that goal in October of 2011.  Really just keeping small goals in mind is what I am doing that seems to be working.  Having my  calorie deficit at 1,000 per day is about 2 1/2 pounds a week.  Right now going above that has been easy.  I understand that as this progresses the weight is harder to get off. 
High protein, low carb, low fat, low sodium. 

As far as things, they are fine.  I still seem to have this pain in my chest that wakes me up at night.  It doesn't seem to be serious because I always can adjust however I am laying and go right back to sleep.  I am not sure if it's lungs or heart.  You would think I should know the difference buy I don't.  Chest pain, is chest pain.  Especially on the right side.  I am telling more and more as I venture out the air quality has an effect on my breathing.  If I park far enough away from the door to the store, by the time I get inside I am out of breath and my lungs burn.  We had a couple days of wind and it blew a lot of it out of the basin, but I am sure it will be back.

Anyway... Today was a good day... Lot's of cookie baking that I am not eating by the way.  I have already packaged them up and have them ready to make baskets for friends. 

A good day

These days I count good and bad days by a couple things... first of course my breathing ... second how many calories in and calories burned.  LoL  Funny how things change huh.


Today was a good calorie day.  I did "the stairs" doing laundry.  I told Bill and Britt that it's not that I can't do laundry ... it's just that if I get back up the stair no one better need me to talk or point or anything until my pulse gets back to a rest and I can breath again.  Heaven forbid the phone should ring or someone would be at the door. 
Anyway... Bill was gone most the day and I got a lot done, including going up and down the stairs.  Needless to say I got my cardio work out.


I actually got some presents wrapped and some others returned because I got the wrong size, or someone else beat me to the gift. 


Then I had my primary care doctor visit today. 
Her nurse and her both commented on "Wow you look great, let's see how much weight you have lost?"  Well, I told them I will be back everyday to hear that.  LoL
Officially since August I have lost 23 pounds, and as of the end of September I have lost 18.  Like normal most of the initial weight is coming off of my face and chest.  It's like once it gets a hold of my stomach and butt it hangs on for dear life! 


We went over quite a bit.  I hadn't seen her since October, right before my thyroid surgery.  So, down the list we went.....
-Thyroid levels will have to be tested occasionally to make sure they stay where their supposed to.  So, labs tomorrow.
-Notes from my Pulmonologist say ... must lose weight.  That one is being taken care of.  Also, she tested my BMI and to reach 32% I have 12 pounds to go.  Of course my goal is much lower than that, but it does make it seem attainable now.
_ Also from Pulm. he wants me to be seen by a cardiologist.  She (primary care doc) says she wants to try and get my pulse down first with an increase in my heart meds.  She told me to take my blood pressure if I begin to feel light headed, actually just take it twice a day for the first couple weeks of increased dosage.
-She also will have them call me for an appointment for a nuclear stress test.  I know I have been being awaken more frequently with pain in my chest and heart.  It doesn't last long and I can roll over and go back to sleep every time.  She told me if this happens and it doesn't go away go to the emergency room.  She is worried about heart attacks.  Especially with my family history.
-I asked her about my constipation and she said that it is almost expected with the combination of medications I am on.  And, the laxative I am using is mild enough I can use it every other day and it won't hurt me.  I asked her about the laxative stripping my body of nutrients and she said Nah.  LoL


All in all a good day.  No bad news at the doctor and I got a lot done and worked on cardio all at the same time.


On a side note.  A lovely woman and dear friend underwent a bypass surgery this morning... Hugs to you Char..

.4 pound gain

I went to Weight Watchers this morning.  I knew before I left the house I wasn't staying for the meeting.  Bill needed to use the Durango.  I gained  .4 pounds.  Yes, .4 pounds is not the end of the world.  But it was totally my fault and out of control, "I don't care" behavior that got me a .4 pound gain.  That pisses me off. 

So, what did I do?  I came home and ate cheese and crackers.  And it wasn't even good.  I just ate to eat.  White flour Saltines even.  I have been watching my sodium for months and for weeks I have not had white flour.  So, I decided to eat my dinner for lunch, get all the eating for today out of the way and start to move.  I got up out of my chair and "exercised".  Which means, I walked in place for 5 minutes, then worked out on my weight ball.  Then went over to Britt's and put my fat butt back on the bike for 9.6 miles.  It took me 63 minutes to get there, but I wasn't about to settle for anything less.  I will again tonight work out in my weenie way before I go to bed.
I make fun of myself, but I really can't do too much to get my heart rate elevated so my "cardio work out" is silly to most. 

After gaining I measured myself.  I have lost about 18 pounds and important inches.  1.5 inches from my upper arms... awesome.  Plenty of inches to go there, but slowly that flabby stuff is coming off.
2.5 inches off my waist... I can actually feel a rib cage again.  My thighs I have lost 1 inch and my calves have actually increased .5 inches. 

This made me feel better.  The process is still continuing on a losing path and that is my goal. 

This weekend Britt and I are going to start baking.  I am not sure about this.  The thought of having dozens and dozens of cookies around the house is not comforting to me. 

I met a man who had LVRS about a year ago.  He said that it helped him with his breathing and he could somewhat get rid of his oxygen.  He still used his oxygen at night and at times throughout the day depending on what he was doing.  Exertion still made it necessary to use the O2.  I have read different things and different outcomes.  He told me it was a very painful recovery and he had problems with air leakage so he stayed in the hospital 3+ weeks.  They sent him home with tubes in his chest to drain fluid from the lungs.  I am not sure I could come home like that.  I don't know if the doctors here would be familiar enough to do after care for a surgery like that.  Another thing to add to my list of questions I guess.

Like usual, I am exhausted tonight.  I am getting off of here and trying a few exercises before I go to bed.  I already took my meds so we'll see how this works.  LoL  Might have been poor planning on my part. ;)

Christmas and other stuff

So, I am really picky about decorating for Christmas.  Even when Brittney was little I would have her decorate her own tree or let her put ornaments on the tree then wait for her to go to bed and re-do the entire thing.  I have special ornaments that were handmade from Mom like this Santa below.  It is beaded with the smallest of beads.  She was amazingly talented. 

 While I was taking these pictures our poor pit bull got caught  like a deer in the headlights.  She sat there just shaking until I finished taking pictures, so I had to snap one of her.  This is Midori, the pit bull who is the sweetest and cuddliest dog we have ever had.

 This is one of Mom's ornaments that she bought on a trip to the Oregon coast and found a year around Christmas store.  We always talked about going back there but never did.  It is beautiful, and has graced my tree for 2 years now, but will always be "mom's ornament".

 I get up every morning and turn on the tree and all the lights in the house.  I just love it.  It is so cheerful and happy.  I can be having the worst day ever and be around beautiful Christmas things and it just lifts my spirits. 

 So, with as picky as I am with my tree and the decorations ... I was looking the other morning at the tree turning (it spins slowly 360 degrees) and I thought I noticed something that "didn't fit in", but the tree turned and I lost it.  Then I saw it again and removed it and asked Bill what it was and why was it on the tree?  He said it was a tag off of a watch he ordered and he gave it to Layla.  She thought it would be pretty on my tree.  So I walked over and put it back on the tree.  She was SO proud and happy when she came over the next time to see it still there.  I must be getting soft in my old age.  Brittney would have never gotten away with that.

So, I joined or "liked" a page on face book.  It is the COPD Foundation.  It has good information there and they feature a new "face of COPD" each month.  I had my turn a few months ago.

I made a comment on one of the stories.  It was written by a woman who was diagnosed with severe copd but still smoked. 

I made the comment that while I was sorry for her diagnoses she is further increasing the damage by smoking.  Anyway.............. She went off on me last night and said things like ... I am rude, cruel, mean, selfish and uncaring. 

Why I let the words of one woman bother me I don't know.  But instantly I felt compelled to clear my name.  One strangers words cut me like I hadn't been in years!  Well, that's not exactly true... my step father and his actions hurt worse ... but for a total stranger to effect me like that surprised me.

I am channeling my friend Giulia, I know I am...... But letting one person who is a stranger get under my skin is ridiculous.  I know my intentions and she couldn't be further from the truth. 

Anyway... It floored me how I let it bother me all night.  This morning I woke up and thought... It is one lady.  I don't know what she is going through and in return she doesn't have insight into my life either.  I am letting it go, staying away from that site for a while and stopping being such a baby.

I have weigh in tomorrow, and for the first time in weeks I am anxious about it.  This hasn't been a good week for me with my eating or my exercise.  I'll post my results, cross your fingers for me.

I got a message from my cousin who is the nurse at the University of Washington this morning.  I had told him they are thinking LVR now.  He said to him that makes much more sense.  He said it is a difficult surgery but they do many of them there.  He said he would be very interested to know the patients progress after they leave.  He just cares for them and then they check out and go on with their lives.  So, I told him this will be a first for both of us. :)

Still no word.  I really don't expect anything soon.  I keep remember hearing this process takes time.  So I need to not dwell on it.

I am not ready anyway.  I still have much more weight to lose.  So... I had better get going.

I am slipping

I feel myself slipping.  Actually I am watching myself slip and am very aware of it.  Eating things or more of things than I am supposed to.  Eating when I am not hungry and just bored or stressed.  Not drinking water like I should.  Missing biking, and slacking on working out with my 5 pound ball. 

I can not keep this up.  It actually has been about 2 days now.  And, that doesn't mean eating candy or chocolate, or eating fat.  It just means eating more dressing on salads and eating 3 or 4 rice cakes instead of 2, drinking more fat free coffee creamer than I should.  It's the little things that I am doing to sabotage myself.  I can't allow that to happen.

I know some of it is cold weather behavior.  Coming in from the cold, getting warm fuzzy jammies on and comforting myself with warm gooey food.  Well, I haven't exactly eaten warm gooey food, but I have wanted to dunk my head into mac and cheese and casseroles.

Britt is right, baking will be really hard not to taste and eat our products.  The trick here will be to package them fast, and to not lick our fingers.  We will have to police each other.

Our outside air quality the last 3 days has been nearing dangerous for people with respiratory problems.  Of course the news just broadcast that fact tonight.  I knew the last few days shopping with Bill made me more winded and exhausted when we got home.

Layla is here tonight.  Our usual Saturday night sleep over, and I am ready for bed before she is.  It's not even 8:00 and I want to go to bed!  LoL

I am going to have to get over to Britt's tomorrow and ride.  I am going to have to re-commit to health.  Ugh... to be "one of those" skinny people who can eat anything.  I am the only one I know to have thyroid surgery, but not have a hyper thyroid and lose weight afterwards.  Can't catch a break!  LoL

As you can see it's been 2 days since I wrote.  I haven't been on the bike, but I have however burned more calories walking through the stores and cleaning house.  I am still on track.  Bill and I met Britt and Fernando for lunch yesterday at Mongolian BBQ, it's one of our favorite restaurants.  For the most part it was very healthy except those pesky YokiSoba noodles.  We tried to ask for the nutrition information with no luck.  So whatever I worked off yesterday I have a feeling was used up with lunch. 

A couple times now I have had this sudden experience.  Once was when I was with Bill shopping for a trying on boots, and the other time was when I lost Bill and Layla in the store and Bill wasn't answering his phone.
It's a feeling of being overwhelmed, out of breath, irritated, and stressed far beyond normal.  It comes on quickly, and goes away as fast, but while I am in that state it is terrible.  Anxiety attacks, for no apparent reason???  I dunno what they are.  Besides that at far as my copd goes ... It's just the cold air I am struggling with.  I wears scarves but with a cannula, a scarf and my coat and purse with a 3 pound canister in it... it's a bit much trying to keep everything in place.

Usually about once a month the oxygen company comes out and exchanges my empty for full canister's.  Twice now with this last bunch of canister's I have run out of O2 while out running errands.  Out of the 20 canister's they gave me all but 4 have been only 1/2 full.
When I called them this morning to ask for a delivery and told them the last bunch was only filled half full they kinda got pissy with me and blamed it on the cold weather. 
Well... If I run out and can't get any more O2 and end up in the hospital from an exacerbation... They probably won't like the letter from my attorney. 
I mean REALLY!  Cold air or not... when I hook up a new canister I surely don't expect to run out of oxygen within an hour!  I'll assume a little of the blame for not checking the bottles (which I do now each time). 
It's just another one of those things that I get irritated with about Copd, is packing this O2 around with me.

I am getting close to having my shopping done.  I have a few things still to get for Bill as always.  He NEVER tells us what he wants, and every year he gets the same thing... jeans, shirts, cologne and maybe pajama pants.  He is worse than an old lady... he always says "I don't need anything".  It is infuriating to Britt and I.  Britt and I are so similar that if I like something I just buy it for her and vice-versa.