I am still me

I have been having a lot of lung pain the last couple days.  Yesterday it was so smokey outside that I could not go out and enjoy the sunshine.  It's Springtime and the neighborhood is full of people who want to burn their branches they have pruned, or grass and leaves left over from a long winter.  I used to enjoy that smell, it meant to me the changing of seasons.  We not only get this smell in the Spring, but also in the fall. 

Now it holds me hostage.  I could not open my doors to air out the house and enjoy one of our first nice Spring days... I stayed inside and looked out the window at Bill working in the yard and Layla riding her bike down the sidewalk. 

It reminded me of hot summer days, cold winter days and anytime the barometer drops... I am a hostage in my own house.  Those changes in the weather make it impossible for me to breath. 

I am feeling a little isolated anyway.  I had reached out to a couple of my high school girlfriends I found on face book.  We were so close in high school.  We did the "what have you been up too" thing where we shared what our lives had been for the last 30 years... I go to their pages every once in a while and leave a note that I am thinking about them.  I don't hear anything from them.

I am wondering if it's the cannula and the thought of a "sick" or disabled friend? 

Bill and Brittney tell me many times that I have changed.  I suppose I have.  I try really hard not to let the depression and frustration rub off on my family.  I do my best to keep my aches and pains to myself.  No one likes a whiner. 

I am very open about having Copd and Emphysema.  I am more than a woman with a lung disease though.  I still am me.  Or, a version of me.