As I live and breathe

I feel bad about last nights post.  It is the first time I have ever spoke about  Bill's drinking "in public".  I feel like I am disrespecting him by doing so, but at the same time it is so nice to get it out.

Our entire marriage he has drank and most of  the time it's just fine.  However, the times it's "not" fine then it's ugly.  We have had THOSE times lately.  I am sure it's his way of dealing with stress.  Hell, I would love to deal with things by hiding in a bottle for the evening.  It's just that he gets argumentative and loud and I end up avoiding anything and going to bed or removing anyone from the situation.  When we have visitors I am on edge all the time because I don't know what may happen or when he may decide to strike out.  He is never physical, but says hateful  things sometimes.

Yes... I live with an alcoholic.  I have my entire life.  Both parents liked to drink and did so every day to some extent, and then I married a drinker. 

I want you to know, I love him.  He takes very good care of me.   He has stepped up and has taken over those things which I can't do anymore.  One little imperfection.

O.k.  That is all I can allow myself to talk about him and his issues.  I feel like I dishonored him or something.  There are just moments that I want things to be about me.  There are times that I need peace and no stress.  There are moments that I feel I shouldn't have to worry about having family and friends around me in case he may be in a mood.  You know... I shouldn't feel guilty about needing this time to be about me. 
All I have asked is for there to be no fighting, arguing or being pissy around me for a while. 

I have nights where I am awake for hours just thinking of all that could go wrong with the transplant.  Will Brittney and Bill be O.K.?  Will they be able to deal with my belongings fairly or will Bill change like my step father did?  I have nights where I just cry, for no apparent reason.  I have times when I go to bed that I feel so alone and lonely.  Times seem to suck lately.

I thank god for my anti-depressants.  I know without them I would be a heap curled up in a ball not able to deal with life.  I actually most days feel not depressed at all.  There are just periods of helplessness.
I don't talk to much to Britt about my fears and my health.  Yes, she goes to doctor appointments with me, but I do my best to put on a happy face for her.  She is entitled to have a happy life and not worry about my mental state.  I find myself getting quite good at covering everything up.  I can be cordial and have a moment .... go into the bathroom and have a little cry and come out smiling.  Does that make me crazy???  My life lately seems like I am living with a split personality.

The holidays are approaching and I usually go all out.  There have been years that my tree is up before Halloween... always up before Thanksgiving.  This year I want to hold off.  Somewhere in the back of my head I am thinking just as I get all of our decorations out and put up I will get a call to go to Seattle.  Wishful thinking?  God, some days I am mentally just not wanting to cope.  Today must be one of them.

I am so tired, I haven't slept well in a long time.  Last night was particularly dreadful.  I had cramps in the sides of my legs and feet.  Cramps that walking wouldn't even get rid of.  I would rub them and rub them as hard as I could and still they were cramping.  I am so hoping tonight is better.

I blew my diet tonight.  It was like a train wreck.  Of course I over ate on non fat foods, but on Weight Watchers at my weight I am allowed 25 points.... by the time I finished tonight I reached 40.  That will most likely kill my next weigh in.  I'll do better. Please... let me do better.

I want to be able to do with food like I did with cigarettes, only you need to eat food to survive, so cold turkey is not an option.  Turkey bacon, fat free chocolate pudding, Mandarin oranges, apples... I could not satisfy myself.  Ughhh.................. Tomorrow is another day.

Sorry for the self indulgent pity party.