As I live and breathe

There are moments of grace, when clarity and wisdom, love and understanding, guidance and insight, are brought to you and through you. These moments of grace will change your life forever, and often, the lives of others as well.  (Neale Donald Walsch)


I might as well get this right out of the way.  On these days I feel like a criminal being brought in to court to listen to his punishment. 
Yesterday I went to Weight Watchers and .............  Gained 1.6 pounds.  So again I am riding the roller coaster of weight loss.  That brings my total weight loss to 8 pounds. 

I am now forced to have a serious discussion with myself and remember that this weight loss is not to fit into a new pair of jeans, or to look good in a swimming suit.  This weight loss is as important as anything I have done in my life.  It will make a huge difference to the doctors who will decide if I am a proper candidate for transplant.  And, it will help me breath easier in the mean time. 

So, here I am re-newing my weight loss pledge.  Just reading my blogs in this area of my life I feel like a huge failure.  I won't be so hard on myself, and I understand that I am not the only one who struggles with weight.  It's just that me continuing to gain weight is a bad reflection on my goal to be as healthy as I am for transplant.  It is like watching a person with lung cancer chain smoking.

O.K.   Enough of that.

Bill and I have been talking (well mostly me talking and forcing Bill to listen) about just me relocating to Washington, and he and Britt can come up once a month or so to visit.  I will be tied to that hospital, or at least a small radius around it until my name is called for transplant.... We shouldn't have to put everything we own in storage and rent our house, or even sell it.  This will be a temporary thing.  Yes, even after transplant I will be required to hang around for a few months and I will then need some care and support.  We can cross that bridge when we come to it. 
It would just be so easy for me to have a small apartment without having to worry about our dogs or having enough room for all of our stuff.
I just get irritated when I try and talk with Bill about our choices, and he seems more worried about the dogs than for me to get up there and get settled.  I know he doesn't feel that way.  I know sometimes I am overly  sensitive... but we are at the oil and water stage again.  Nothing he says gets through to me and vise-versa.
I think a lot of it has to do with his drinking.  He gets stressed and hides in Screwdrivers.  I tell him that must be nice to hide like that, only it just leaves me here alone to deal with all of this.  It doesn't seem to faze him, right back at drinking the next night.
Just so you know... I grew up with drinkers around me and I didn't like it.  If someone could have one or two drinks and act normal that's one thing.  But with my mom and Bill (those closest to me) one too many drinks and I can tell.  And, they get so enraged when I bring up slowing down or quitting drinking. 

I think dealing with the unknown about this transplant and just dealing daily with the Copd is enough.  I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with his drinking and moods right now.  It's been a rough subject for us our entire marriage.  I am getting tired, I just want to not be apprehensive about his moods or actions and just deal with me for the first time ever.

I never in my life have lived alone.  I always either had roommates or was married.  But honestly, having myself to worry about for a while might be nice.  I know Bill will be fine without me, he can keep busy easily.  Britt and Layla I will miss.  But we can have phone calls, and they can come visit when they can.  

The part about this that is the most frustrating is... while I am on the list I cannot leave my radius.  So, if someone were to get sick and I wanted to be with them, I would have to be passed over for any organ that would come in during the time I was gone.  So... It's very important for me to be there and stay there. 

There is a transplant coordinator that stays with me throughout the transplant and follows me after. 

You know..... I just want to know what is coming.  I want to know where I will be and with whom?  I want to know if my insurance will be a problem and if I will need additional funding and if so where will it come from? 

Patience!!  Breath in ..... and out.  Repeat as needed.  This is what I mean.... I am not a good "these things take time" kind of person. 

This shows the gravity of how transplant effects a family.  I am always there for my daughter and granddaughter when they need me.  Not that Britt isn't fully capable of taking care of herself and Layla, but it's nice to have a grandma there for much needed breaks.  And, frankly I depend on Britt far more than most mothers do their daughters.  We are very close and consider each other best friends.  I talk to her WAY too much about Bill's drinking, but I have no other friends nearby to chat with.

I always feel like that is a dirty little family secret.  You know the kind.... everybody knows about it, but it is never "talked about". 
Bill is a good man.  He will drop anything to help out someone in need.  He volunteers his time helping so many people, he is a good guy. 
It's just that vodka that makes him unreasonable and one you can't reason with or talk to.

Enough talking about Bill.  I feel terrible doing it, but it helps to see what other stress I have.

I went to my surgeon today to get the "all clear" on my thyroid surgery.  He said all pathology was good.  He said he took quite a bit of my thyroid out and that I may possibly need thyroid medication, but maybe not.  Just for me to watch for symptoms.  I am not sure what these are, but will talk to my doctor about them. 

That's good news to me and I am fine with the possibility of needing a pill.  I'd rather that than the alternative.

O.K.  Meds are kicking in and I want to put this day behind me.  I wish for sweet and peaceful dreams and uninterrupted sleep.