As I live and breathe

Ok, Let's get this over with quickly and then I can get on with the rest of the blog.
I gained 1.4 pounds this week. UGH!!! I know what happened, I can tell you where I failed, but it doesn't make it any easier to take. I absolutly hate going there and seeing that I have gained weight! It's the worse!

So.............
Time to get back on track and do what I know I should. Next week I will hope for a change. This is different for me being accountable, and opened and honest with my weight struggle. For a years I knew I was gaining weight, but it never was talked about or discussed. Maybe it should have been!

My breathing has not gotten better, but it has not gotten worse. I have given up using my rescue inhaler, only because I think 4 puffs in a half hours time is just too much. And, I am not getting any benefits from it.

Layla and Britt went home two nights ago and I thought that with Layla out of my bed I could sleep better. Nope. I have had cramps in my legs at night so bad. Most of the time I can just lay there still and have them not get too bad. Occasionally though it gets so bad I have to jump up and walk it off. It's the restless leg thing, and it drives me crazy! It makes it impossible to fall asleep and once I wake up with my legs bothering me, falling back to sleep is impossible.

I seem to have slumped back into a little bit of depression. Is it possible to just be a little there? I find myself bitchy more than pleasant. I can snap in a split second. And, sadly most of the time Bill is in my line of fire. If he just knew how much I loved him and depended on him. If he only knew how lonely I get, and how so often I just want to be held and told it will be O.K.. Is it my job to tell him that? I just don't have the desire right now to get into "that" conversation with him. If he only knew how much I struggle just to get up and move about, and put any kind of pleasant face on! If he only understood when I pant like a dog, it's hard to feel good about anything else. How if clothing is too tight I suddenly panic and lose breath. I give him a lot of credit. He has been WAY pateint with me. He has told me he is afaid to ask many quesions. I think part of why this disease is so hard to live with peacefully is because our illness does not show. There is a saying for those who live with this... "Sick lungs don't show" so people don't think your sick. It's the truth. I think if he could understand how scary it is to struggle for a breath and not being sure you will get the air you need. The best way I can explain it is diving under water and going too far down and not having the breath to make it to the surface. It's that feeling of wanting air and needing it, but not being able to get it.
It's that frustration that I think causes my "little bits" of depression.

Things are looking up for Britt. Life does not seem as stressful right now. I am going through some things with my step dad and step mom. It's a really long story and one I am not wanting to make public. But it's dealing with my Mom and Dad's death and their partners starting over again. Only with people who my parents would have NOT been alright with. I have missed my mom anyway. And, I have been having issues with my step father. It just makes it all hard.

I will be so glad when we can all just be. No stress, no death, no illness... you know just have a year to relax and enjoy what we have. To be able to be grateful for little moments. To enjoy time with grandkids and family. I can't remember when the last time was we could do that without something overshadowing it. Maybe our time is coming. Maybe it's here now.