We tore down a wall today

Bill and I are clearing the slate and starting over. We both decided 29 years is too much to throw away.

When Life throws Rocks at you.
It is your Choice.
To make a Bridge or a Wall. ♥

This is what I posted on my face book page this afternoon.  Most of the morning Bill and I spent talking, sometimes yelling and me always crying about what our plans are and why I want to move out.  I told him I was almost afraid of loving him.  I told him that words spoken hurt and I am not sure I can forget them or think that he will change.  Of course, I told him I know  so much of this is me and has all come closer to the surface since I have been sick. He continues to tell me that I have changes, that I have been cruel to him and Brittney.... I have been more honest I think.  If I have been cruel... I feel terrible, because I have never been cruel to either one of them.  They are the two most important people in my life.


So, I called my Primary Care doctor and left a message asking her to please find a counselor for me ASAP.  That I am in great need to talk to someone.  


I printed out the "letter to my family" that sits on the right hand side of this blog of mine... below the list of blogs.... and I asked him to please read it, that maybe he would understand more of what I am going through.  I asked him if he would accompany me to my doctors appointments from now on.  I want him to understand what a daily struggle it is just to dust and do dishes.  Yes... some days I can get out and walk and come home and cook dinner.  But those days are getting fewer and fewer apart.  I push myself (I think) sometimes far more than I should.  I try and come across as though there is nothing wrong with me, because to admit I can't do something is to admit I am getting worse.


I felt like I wanted to run and just be alone.  To have just me to answer to.  To not have to feel guilty when I see him doing dishes, or laundry or cooking or yard work.  Really... what good am I?  I would think anyone in their right mind would want to run when given the chance.  
I cannot stand the me I have become.  And, as a wife or partner, I have nothing to offer.  I have hardly any sex drive, and it's been like that for some time now.  I am not sure if it's the cannula around my face, my leakage of urine, my medications?  I really don't know... but like I told him today... what is there left to be attracted to?  I feel so damaged and used up.  


After going over and over everything wrong we decided we can work on it and put all the words and past behind us and try again fresh.  
This time with the understanding that he needs to come to therapy with me and have both of us on the same page as far as my disease, and my limitations.  I think a counselor will do us both good and hopefully show us there is much to salvage.


Over the last month and all this with Bill and I ..... I have also learned (which should have been a big DUH!!) that I need to learn to treat Brittney like my daughter.  We can still be close, but if I am having problems I need to find someone else to confide in.  She has her own life and it is full right now.  It won't mean we won't be as close, but it will mean that we can each lean on other people.  


What a day it has been.  


I am not sure when I will see a counselor, I will have to wait for my insurance to approve one and my Primary Dr. to find me one who she thinks will be compatible with me.  I'll let you know.