Pushing Forward

I was back on the bike last night at Britt's house.  I did 50 minutes, I figure today I'll shoot for 55 minutes and next week work to 1 hour.  Let me be very clear ... I am peddling consistently, but I am only averaging 6 miles in almost an hour.  So, like the doctor said I am trudging along being careful not to put too much pressure on my heart. 
Sad... I am not even 50 and have let myself get to this point.  Sometimes I have such disdain for myself!

Anyway, this is all a step in the right direction.  Britt is very helpful when it comes to motivating me.  She, being a single mom is up @ 5:00 going to the gym, home to shower and get Layla up for school, then to school herself all by 9:00. 

She has worked with a personal trainer long enough to be helpful to me with a low impact exercise plan.  She was over the night before last trying to load the "body bugg" program onto my computer.  For some reason she couldn't get it installed.  So, I gave hers back to her and she said when mine is delivered today she will come over and get it installed, even if she has to get on the phone with our friendly computer fixer guy.  LoL

I am curious to get this system started and to see how it works.  I know right away dieting watching carbs is a challenge.  I never paid attention before.  And, no white flour or white sugar.  I have never in my life eaten so many veggies, which I am fine with.  I have always gnawed on them anyway, diet or not.

Every year for as long as I can remember I have baked candy, fudge and cookies at Christmas for us and for gifts for our friends and family.  I told Bill I am not baking this year.  It will be almost impossible for me to bake and not taste.  Well it would be possible, but torture.  I am sure everyone will understand.  I did some canning earlier this fall and have some of that ready for gifts.  I will come up with something else. 

I am feeling (looking for the right word) naive regarding transplant, lvrs and treatment in general.  My entire life I take things literally.  If someone tells me blank... I expect blank to happen and in a timely manner.  LoL  Why is it that it never does?  And, why is it I haven't learned my lesson with this years and years ago?  Could it be.... life doesn't really revolve around me???  LoL  Honestly I am just kidding!

When I first was told in August about the need for transplant and my doctor told me he wanted me in Seattle by winter.  I believed him and took it to heart.  Then I found out that the wheels moved slower than I expected and that too was fine as long as they turned.  Then I find out that transplant now will be placed secondly as a treatment and that lung volume reduction surgery will be #1.  (And, I was relieved about this, and happy that my fears about lung transplant could wait a while)  However, now I am reminded that my weight will be an issue.  Why hadn't that stuck with me before?  I was aware of the BMI in August. 

So, now my Pulmonologist tells me that tests will begin next week and the results will be sent to Seattle and they will notify me of an appointment.  This appointment will not be for the lvrs, but will be a meeting to go over several things .... Insurance coverage, results of testing, I will have a psychiatric review, I will speak to a counselor and then they will tell me I have to wait for surgery until my weight loss is further along.  LoL

I know my disease is not at it's worse.  I know things can get much, much worse.  And, because of that it buys me time to wait for surgical procedures.  I know how I am feeling now.  I have heard others describe symptoms I hoped never to have.  People without this disease can't imagine living with it.  My fear is that stage of suffocation.  Of not being able to get a breath in AT ALL or breath out for that matter.  Of not being able to move about by themselves.  Of needing that damn cart at the grocery stores.  Of lugging around a push cart with a large O2 tank in it.  Of sleeping elevated because you can no longer lay flat and breath at the same time.  Of not being able to go outside AT ALL during frigid weather or extremely hot days, or days when the air quality is bad.

I can now squeak by all of that.  Yes, I am having breathing issues, and yes at times they are so bad they bring on anxiety attacks ... but nothing like I have heard described.  Yes, I carry an oxygen canister everywhere I go, but for now I can disguise them in a hand bag.  I keep eyeing those carts at the store and swear to myself I will walk if it takes me hours!  I will not give in to those carts.  Yes, the extremes in weather, hot or cold bothers me but I can still get around it either with scarves in the winter, or air conditioning in the summer.  Bad air quality days still keeps me inside.

What I am getting at is ... As bad as I think I have it, things will get worse.  There are many people living bravely with much worse symptoms as I have.  So, I have time for surgeries.  I have time to live as well as I can until those days get here for me too.

I have to keep reminding myself of that.  To LIVE.  Us Copd-ers are a tough bunch and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to not give up, to push through and do as much as possible even when we don't feel like it. 

Normally at 3:30 in the afternoon I am ready for a nap.  Now, I sit on a bike and ride.  It's a necessity for me to advance my chances for a better life.
S0 when you're feeling like you just can't take one more thing ... accept the frustration and push yourself.  You'll feel better about yourself if you go down trying rather than giving in and giving up.

***
Britt came over after she picked up Layla from school and programed my "bodybugg" that came today.  We added my weight and measurements and I set a goal to lose 62 pounds by June.  I would love to get there sooner, but this weight did not get on me overnight, and I have carried it around long enough to know it doesn't want to let go very easily.
I then went to her house and got on the bike.  I rode today with a increase in intensity and for 60 minutes.  My heart rate stayed around 130-140. 
I will stay at an hour and week by week slowly increase speed and intensity. 
I am not sure if I mentioned but I am going to ride Monday-Thursday, which also over time may increase.  We'll have to see.