Mom's Resting Spot

I met my brother in Bend this weekend. We had spread my Mom's ashes almost a year ago. We had intended to go back soon and place a plaque there beside her brother and sister-in-laws plaques. Time and life got in the way and it took us until now to get back there.

Because it had been a year, and because the place we scattered her wasn't marked (only by the plaques there for her brother and his wife)and because I am sure our memory's were both bad... we figured if we went in a different direction and walked a little further, but walked downhill it would be easier for me and my oxygen tank.
LoL The joke was on all of us. We drove past where we had stopped last year. Then we started hiking down the hill. Not exactly down but more over, through and around. The ground was inches of soft dirt/sand and brush and volcanic rock. The tree where the plaques had been was on the edge of a beautiful canyon, so we walked the edge. We walked and walked... there was some bitching and moaning too. After about an hour and a half we had just about given up and talked about how maybe kids had found it and broke off the branch and removed the terra-cotta angel. I tried to talk to mom and have her show me a sign... Nope. The only sign I think I got was once when I stopped to rest and gasp for air... some ants (big red and black ones) got on my feet and legs and started biting me!
Oh, did I mention that I had on flip flops? LoL
Anyway... we found the tree. We added her plaque and a little dangling angel.





I miss her so much. I never realized what a force she was in my life until she wasn't in it anymore. She is never more than a thought away.

Going through these recipes and remembering what an amazing cook and entertainer she was is rewarding. It's sometimes bittersweet.... She would have loved that I am cooking, and would have loved to teach me. But, it seems I always had something else to do.
We shared a lot, but cooking was never one of them. Well... we did make it a tradition to get together right before Thanksgiving every year and make Rum Balls. They had to be made and stored until Christmas time so they tasted just right. I'll be posting the recipe for that soon. Also, every year we lived near each other we got together and baked Christmas cookies of all kinds.. recipes also to follow.

Anyway... This trip was good for me. I loved my time with my big brother. We had hoped our other brother could make it, but he had something come up at the last minute.
It is sometimes hard to be the only sibling who is so far away. I grew up in a big family, but at times it seems my entire family is Bill and Brittney and Layla. Not that they aren't enough... I just miss my brothers. I miss feeling like I am part of their family.

As for the trip and my Copd. Well... for the most part my breathing was good. Not so much yesterday when we climbing the mountain, and today I certainly am paying the price. But I would not have missed seeing my brother and marking mom's resting place for anything!

As far as I can tell the results of over-doing it are this............
-My hands and feet are swollen and painful. It hurts to bend my toes and fingers.
-My throat hurts like I scratched it. I am assuming it's from gasping for breath and the dry dusty air.
-I am having a difficult time swallowing. It just feels like something is in the way of food getting by. Still not painful, just really weird feeling.
-Even before the mountain thing I was having issues getting air into my lungs. I think I mentioned that the last blog. I am assuming most of this is the nodule on my Thyroid. And, because I think that is the problem for most of these issues, I am hoping if they remove it my problems will ease up a little.

I can tell you traveling with oxygen is tiring. First of all we took WAY too many small (purse size) tanks, but Bill said he would rather be safe than sorry. We hauled the big concentrator into the hotel room and I used that while in the room. Then I had the bigger tanks that I used in the car.
It's just not convenient with all this.

I could tell a few times that my cannula bothered my brother I think. Not in a bad way, other than I think he realized how serious this is.
I just keep thinking last year I climbed the hill... out of breath, but still I climbed it on my own. I even walked around town with my brother without much huffing and puffing. Now 11 months later I am on full time oxygen and am having heart issues.

I still remain positive. Really! It's just certain moments that I can't handle this and that's when the pity party starts. At this moment I am good. I have my ultra sound coming up the 21st... I may have a few bad days after that... but it's not like I am planning on it. Maybe I will schedule something fun around that time to take my mind off things. :)

Well... It's past my bedtime and both my feet having been asleep for an hour or so. I'll try and get up and wobble into the bedroom and get a good nights sleep.