A morning of emotions

This morning I woke up with Layla whispering to me ... "Grandma I love you, I want some cereal please." LoL At least she learned to be sweet before barking orders. It was a most wonderful way to wake up and I would make her anything. She is my joy!

So we ate breakfast, I got her dressed and took her to school. Her mom is preparing for finals week and so I will probably have Layla quite a bit the next week or so. She is getting to that age where she can totally play me like a fiddle, and even if I know so, I don't care. To watch her amuses me, it makes me remember when Britt was little and we were all so happy and healthy.

Anyway... God I get sidetracked easily! I came home and quietly got in the shower because Bill was still asleep. For a month I have talked about this appointment today. About how I just wanted this thyroid issue gone, so the fact Bill was still sleeping bothered me. Then I thought he must have just had a bad nights sleep. So, I got dressed, dried my hair, drank some coffee and left quietly by myself to my appointment.

I was about 3/4's of the way there and at a stop sign I saw some old friends (more like a father figure to us that I hadn't seen in a year or so) walk in front of my SUV. I waved as they walked by and I noticed them looking in like they didn't know me. Finally they walked over to the drivers window and he made a motion to the area under his nose (referring to my cannula) and said what's that? At first I didn't understand, I get so used to wearing it I don't realize it's there sometimes. Then he said are you having heart problems or is it your lungs? I said both, and before I could explain he said......... "HA! I told you to quit smoking!" Then he asked about Brittney and Layla and then just as quickly turned and walked off. I was left feeling like he slapped me in my face. I was shocked. And, even worse it made me cry ... which was really bad timing because I was still on my way to the doctor and I didn't want to walk in there with makeup smeared. Vanity you know! LOL Besides that I get pissed when I let people make me cry, and that makes me cry harder.

It was like he was pleased his prediction came true. Why is it that as hard as we are on our selves (at least I am), there are those people who are so easy to blame us for having a disease that will leave us suffocating and dying?

Yes, I smoked. So did many. Yes, I knew it was bad for me. So do people who speed down the highway. No one thinks it will be them. They think they will be the ones to beat the odds of killing themselves. I didn't purposely start smoking and say "Some day I will be told I am dying and I will take full responsibility for it, because I deserve it!"
I think that is what some people want us to say. I should get shirts made! Ughhh.

Anyway... So I went to my consultation about my Thyroid. When I got there they wanted me to fill out all kinds of forms, so I sat across from a very fragile, kind looking older man and started with the pile of papers. I heard them call his name and he left. I filled out my papers and soon after that they called my name and put me in a exam room to wait (you know the practice). As I sat there (for a really long time) I could hear through the walls. So, as I ate the gobstoppers I found in my purse I listened, hoping they would come to my door soon. I heard the doctor and his nurse go into the room next door. It was the little old mans room.
I heard the doctor ask him to lay down and does this hurt, how about this? Where did this scar come from? Have you lost weight?
The doctor said we want to do exploratory surgery to see the blockage in your esophagus. I listened as they explained the procedure to him and the risks. I heard him ask if he had cancer. The doctor answered it is probable you have esophageal cancer. The doctor told him the procedure would take about 20 minutes and give them many answers. The little man said swallowing was painful, but after a few tries he could get food down without any pain. He said that he didn't want the procedure. He didn't want to know if he had cancer. He asked the doctor what would the treatment be? Chemo, I even knew that. He asked the doctor knowing what he knows about his health and condition if it were cancer how long would he have to live. The doctor said he didn't like to guess. The man said, please about how long. The doctor said 12 to 18 months, without treatment. The little man said no thank you. The doctor told him to go home and think about it and if he changed his mind or if the pain from swallowing got to bad to please come back in.
I was bawling by the time the doctor opened my door. I was using one of those paper towels in there that feel like sand paper. So, between that bout of crying and the one I had earlier, I am sure the doctor thought from looking at me I must be sicker than I was! LOL

That poor man. I think he would rather live his life not knowing how much time he had. Sometimes it's better not knowing what the future holds and what the possibilities are.

Now (talk about taking the long way around! lol) to my appointment. No big deal I guess. The doctor told me this is not unusual and women are more likely to have thyroid issues. Of course most are older than me, go figure! He said he wanted to do a needle biopsy of both nodules. That the reason to do it would be because of the type. Instead of being fluid filled these are partially solid. He says this is done in his office with the use of ultra-sound to guide the needle. I will be awake and he will use a local anesthesia. A needle will be inserted and put into each nodule and once they have a sample, while the needle is still inserted they will shake the needle to blend the sample. Then remove it and have pathology look at it. I am unsure if that happens while I am still there in case they need more samples? And, after my morning and the little man next door I didn't ask any questions.

As I was leaving the counter lady said she had to call my insurance to get permission for the procedure then she would call me to schedule. She said maybe Friday, or a month. LOL

Then, I come home to realize my next doctors appointment to get the results of my echo-cardiogram is on FRIDAY THE 13TH!! Really? With my luck?? I almost called to change dates today, but I then realized whatever the results will be, they won't change if I go in on the 13th or the 20th ... so I'll just get it over with.

What a day. Oh, Bill woke up and had forgotten all about my doctors appointment and wondered where I was. That says a lot about how we comunicate lately!