Everyone should have a chance at a new beginning.

I have taken a few knocks for not blogging enough since my surgery and healing.  
I put years into this blog.  Blogging about everything: very personal, sad, pathetic, heartfelt and happy.  I have had a very hard time coming back here and blogging negativity.  This blog is a large part of my life; of who I am and why I am the person I am now.

My daughter is expecting a baby boy in April.  My first grandson!  I couldn't be happier for her and Fernando, and Layla too.  I love my church and the people there.  I love all the pastors and congregation.  I have found a long lost friend who I love spending time with.  I have bible studies 2 or 3 days a week.  I am living in a body that now responds to my physical demands, so I am enjoying going to the gym as often as possible. 

Does one try and push aside life's painful experiences and focus on the good?  I do.... And, I have been.

For some time my private life has been a mess and I prefer not to dwell on it.  I prefer to look forward at everything life has for me in the future.

Exactly this time last year Bill asked me for a divorce.  Well he did again a few months ago.  This time he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.  That he wants to move on, and will be moving out of the state as soon as we can get our "lives" separated.  We have still been living together and he is drinking, which makes things very volatile.  I don't know if I am coming home to good Bill or angry Bill.  He wants to live as roommates, yet there are so many feelings involved that it is an impossible request.  

I still love him, and I suspect he still loves me.  I think he spent so many years being my care giver that now having a healthy me around, he doesn't feel like he has control anymore.  No more does he need to cook and clean for me.  I can do my own shopping, and I can clean house.  I think he misses that control.  He has been a care giver and one of those people who always wants to take care of those he loves..... that now cutting the strings and letting me go do things alone bothers him.  

I found out that I love life.  I love Church.  I love exercising.  I love being out and about, and he prefers to stay home.  I did that for too long.  I wonder if this sort of thing happens to people who come through serious diseases and their spouses can't adjust.

I told him when I was sick that I just wanted to get out and live life before it was too late.  Well, now I am living and I won't just sit at home any longer and talk about things to do.

So... That's why I haven't been here for a while.  I just wanted to get through this privately.  But I suppose once I began opening up I lost the right to privacy?  That was suggested.  I don't want anyone to think that you following this blog didn't mean anything to me, because it did and still does.  I thought part of this blog was venting, but also a large part of it would be helping people going through the same circumstances, and yes having a support system of those who chose to follow me. 

Once I had my surgery and it went so well, I thought it might be time for a break before I continued the next chapter.  

I will be back more often to post.  I may begin slowly to change my future to more of a private life.  I hope my friends will understand.