As I live and breathe: June 2012

It's been a long time since I have blogged. Shame on me! There were times I wanted to come here and write, but I did not want to complain, other times I didn't feel well enough to spend time sitting here using my brain to come up with words lost to me.

So much has gone on since I was last here, so this may be a long blog. Hang in there.... take a break and go for a walk if you get tired of reading! ;)

I will start with my emphysema which is what started this blog in the first place. I have had some rough times in the last months. There is a terrible heavy pain that used to come and go. Now it stays and I find myself taking pain medication and gritting my teeth through it daily. (I dislike pain meds very much) Because my lung function has declined so much now most of the new symptoms are showing up in my heart. I am now told to use SALT. For so long I had been dieting and had been told to stay off the salt, so it had been a few years that I wasn't using it. Now I find out that it will help raise my low blood pressure (68/54) or a little higher most times.
I was informed today by my Primary Care Dr. that when blood pressure gets that low it is trauma criteria. Who knew??? When I get really dizzy or my head gets fuzzy I go lay down with pillows under my feet for an hour or so, and it slowly rises. She told me I should be at the hospital then. I know the procedure.... I go into the emergency room... they take my vitals, check for blood clots, ex-ray my chest, give me pain meds and after about 4 hours..... send me home.
I also was put on Digoxion and was told today that Monday morning not to take my meds and to go back to the Dr. to get a Digoxion level. They think they may increase it to get my pulse rate down which still is running above 100 even resting.

My Pulmonologist sent me to Portland to see a CardioThorasic Surgeon about doing a Lung Volume Reduction Surgery. It took a few weeks to get all the paperwork sent up and then the beginning of June Britt and I went up to the Oregon Health Sciences Medical Center. The first day I saw the CardioThorasic surgeon and he went over my files and the testing I had done here by my Pulmonologist. He told us that he hopes that one set of numbers is wrong, because if they aren't wrong then it means I have a lung defect which disqualifies me for LVRS and puts me right into a double lung transplant.
So he scheduled a full day of testing in July that I will go back up for.
Then the 2nd day I saw an OBGYN Dr. concerning my hysterectomy and fibroid tumor that I need removed. She examined me and said that she would do the surgery, but first wanted me to see a URO-OBGYN, to see about putting a mesh sling in during the hysterectomy. Having two surgeries at once would put less strain on my heart and lungs.
I could not get an appointment with her then so I will see her in July when I come back for lung testing and hopefully scheduling this surgery.

The Cardio Dr. told me he was already made aware of this issue and suggested I have that surgery first so I would have time to heal and make sure there are no infections and everything is healed or healing nicely before he would mess with my lungs.

So actually I know nothing new... but I am now at the right hospital and talking to the right surgeons. I am hoping my next appointments with them will help me get some answers and maybe even take steps toward fixing some of this.

So, I believe I mentioned in my last blog that I had started to go to church again. I can't remember where I heard it but someone said they had also been a crisis Christian. Boy I hope I am more than that!
I am a child of God. I feel his spirit and have been healed. I still struggle with this however. God's goodness and forgiveness is sometimes hard to imagine in a world so much in chaos. Our Associate Pastor ordered a small pocket book written by Dodie Osteen. It's titled "Healed of Cancer".
She writes about being diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the liver, and with or without chemo or surgery she would only have a few weeks to live.

She went home and told her husband and they began to pray. She told her family she didn't want to hear the words cancer or death or sickness in their house. She asked god for healing and god always gives you what your heart desires. She read scriptures everyday, even as she felt the symptoms she would keep going... doing house chores, cooking, laundry and taking care of her family. Continuing to pray and thank the lord for healing and speaking of his healing words which she knew were acting in her body, even on those days she lay in bed unable to get up. She would push forward the next day.
Having total faith, never wavering and when she doubted she would first tell the devil to stand away that god had her in his care.

She was sent home to die, but God had a different idea for her.
She was healed 100%. Her doctors believe it was supernatural healing.

So I read her book every day and pray the same scriptures that she listed for healing and even though I pray to Jesus for healing and thank him, every once in a while fear and doubt sneak in.
I wonder why I am worthy? I am because I turned myself over to God.
I can say that I feel now so much more at peace and lighter.

My worries are just not there like they used to be. It caught me off guard at the Dr. this morning to hear words like terminal and 3 to 5 years survival. I had been all this time knowing that things were getting worse but just not paying attention.
Now instead of fearing what is ahead, I need to believe the doctors have healing power. That God promised it to me. When I have those moments (which are getting fewer and fewer) I rebuke Satin and restore my love and trust to the Lord.
I am doing my best to live the life he wants me to. After years away it is wonderful to be back and in a church that feels like home. So, I don't consider myself a crisis Christian. Just a child of God.

We went over Father's Day back to Bend to meet up with my brother and our cousin. Every year we meet to have a little memorial and to catch up with each other.
We had a beautiful suite right on the Deschutes River, extra comfy bed and a fireplace. We'll go back there next year. Everyone was so nice.

These are pictures of the spot where Mom, Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Donna's ashes were spread. I love this cannon. It is so peaceful up there! I am not sure how many more years I will be able to make the climb, but I will go every year as long as possible.